In the Beginning

In the Beginning

  By Michael Goldsberry

  Copyright © 2011 Michael Goldsberry

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. All resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the author.

  This book is dedicated to my darling Chris, who puts up with me even when I look at her and say, “Boink-boink.”

  In the Beginning is part one of a larger project called The Holey Bible, (“Holey,” get it?), which was sort of foisted upon me by buddies because I've read the Bible so many times and have a somewhat twisted sense of humor. I hope you, dear reader, enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

  Michael

  Chapter 1

  In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. "Let there be light," God said. "Bang!" Creation replied, and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. Creation saw the darkness and took a nap. “Wake up!” God said, shaking Creation. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

  Then God separated the waters from the waters. God made the expanse and separated the waters which were below the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse; and it was so. And God called the expanse heaven, when Gravity asked, “Wait a sec. A ball of water around the earth?” And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

  Then God said, “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants and fruit trees”; and it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with seed in them, after their kind; and God saw that it was good. That evening, Marijuana invented chocolate, potato chips and reggae music and it was good. There was morning, a third day.

  Then God created the sun and moon and the stars. God placed them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on earth, and God saw that it was good. Gravity and Marijuana contemplated Creation, mumbling something apparently funny, as they giggled all night. There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

  Then God said, “Let the waters teem with swarms of living creatures, and let the birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of the heavens”; and God saw that it was good. God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply of the earth”; and it was so. The creatures of the water and the birds of the air created the first orgy, each of its kind chirping, grunting or barking, “Yeah baby!” in that oh-so-seductive way that only their babe gets. After the help of tobacco, everyone went to sleep. There was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

  The God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness.” So God created man; male and female He created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.” And God saw everything He had made, and behold, it was very good. The man and the woman stared in shocked amazement at one another. “What's that?” asked the one, “What are those?” asked the other. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

  Chapter 2

  Thus the heavens and the earth were completed, and all their hosts. On the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and rested on the seventh day. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work.

  This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created. God formed man of the dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man became a living being. And God placed the man in the garden of Eden amidst the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat.” The man, for his part, slobbered and sucked his toe.

  God then caused all the beasts of the field and every bird of the sky to come before the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was to be its name. Having limited understanding however, the man began to name the beasts Sally, Latiefa, Mabel, Bitch, etc. About Bitch, the man complained to God bitterly.

  Then God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” “BaaaAmen!” Sally beamed. Then God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in that place. God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,

  “This is now bone of my bones,

  And flesh of my flesh;

  She will be called Woman,

  Because she was...”

  “My name is Eve, fool, and don't be callin' me no Bitch either,” Interrupted Eve, “She's a porcupine. And Sally there is a sheep. Dang, boy.” The man, again for his part, slobbered and sucked his toe. Now the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

  In time Eve discovered in the center of the garden a beautiful tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and she invented round about the tree dancing – pole dancing. Adam, (for so he was named, meaning “stupid clod of mud”), and all the animals gathered together to watch Eve perform the dance. Many would hold up and wave leaves while whistling, cawing and croaking. During a particularly lascivious routine, Eve did perchance to bump into the tree and caused an apple to fall and bonk her on the head.

  Gravity giggled.

  The serpent smiled.

  Chapter 3

  Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which God had made and he said to the woman, “Did God really say not to eat from this tree?” “A talking snake?” Adam chimed in, “WTF? Eve, don't listen to Slim there. That fruit is bad, put it back.” “Hey, this is good,” munching Eve replied, “Want some?” After some more drooling and toe sucking, and after an unmentionable dance move Eve did with the apple, Adam capitulated and ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings. (Eve had acquired a great many fig leaves while dancing, which she stashed under a nearby rock. Thus Eve also invented banking.)

  They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. The Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” “Oh, shit,” Eve whispered to the man. He said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” “Oooh shit,” Eve said again. And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman which You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I did eat.” Springing up, Eve said, “Oh no you di'int!” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” And the woman said, “The snake made me do it! Git 'em!” “The snake,” replied God, “Really.” “The snake, yup. Bad boy.” Adam slobbered a bit and began to regard his toe while God and the woman located the snake, who was rather busy with other things.

  Then the Lord God cursed the serpent and laid a heavy price upon Eve. Finding Adam behind a bush, He said, “Take your toe out of your mouth. Good. Stop that,” and pronounced the man's punishment. So He drove them out of the garden; and at the east of Eden He stationed a fat angel named Chubbim with a flaming sword to guard the gate.

  Outside, Eve told her husband, “That snake got it worse than me, he lost his legs. God just told me that my c
oochie gonna hurt when I start squirting out puppies.” Dumbfounded, Adam looked at the sky, his toe. Licking his lips, he looked back at his wife. “Huh?” “Well, He didn't put it exactly like that. So, what'd He say to you?” Eve asked. “Something very odd,” sulked Adam, “I have to go to work and one day our children will work in 'cubicles' and look like a mighty prophet to come called Dilbert.”

  Chapter 4

  “Now what?” Adam asked, looking around at all the dust. It had been a week since they left Eden and the food was running low. Plus, the apples weren't making them any smarter than that first day. “Now we boink-boink,” Eve called from the back of the cave, laying on the grass bedding. “Boink?” A confused Adam looked at the ceiling. “'Be fruitful and multiply,' remember? And I'm in the mood,” Eve cooed. She performed what Adam thought was a magic trick and he learned the boink-boink.

  Thus their son Cain was born and just as God warned Eve would happen, her coochie hurt. The next time Adam was in the mood and he snuck up on Eve for the boink-boink, thus their second son Abel was born. So it came about in the course of time that Adam figured out how to farm the ground and he instructed his sons. Abel was more fond of critters however, so he became a keeper of flocks.

  Over dinner, Adam mentioned that green beans taste like snake poo, but Abel's steak was delicious. Enraged, Cain killed Abel. Damn. God appeared to Cain, looking rather cross. “Oh, shit,” Cain whispered to himself. “You have been a very naughty boy,” God said, among other things. Judgment rendered upon him, Cain wandered off into the sunset, never to return.

  In the land of Nod, Cain found a woman who liked to boink-boink and had many children by her. For his growing family, he built the world's first city called Philadelphia, which means “Brotherly love.” Ever after, when Cain explained the name, each and every person replied, “You suck.”

  Back in the cave, Adam and Eve were bored sitting there all by themselves, so they boink-boinked again. Thus the third son was born, Seth. To Seth in turn was born Enosh.

  Enosh was a goofy child. Wild red hair and brilliant green eyes, he would thwack the other children on the head and hide from them. “But they were eating bacon, grandpapa,” Enosh cried to Adam as he bandaged his face yet again. Adam sighed, “Bacon is yummy, boy. Leave the other children alone.” Enosh got beat up a lot. At the age of twenty, Enosh ordained himself as the world's first priest and nobody beat him up anymore. (Because he carried a bigger stick, not because of the priest thing.) He also found a wife who liked to boink-boink and thus became the father of Kenan.

  Kenan too boink-boinked and begat Mahalalel, who also enjoyed the boink-boink and sired Jared. It was the same Jared who invented the babe-over-the-pickle-barrel-boink-boink and had a son who he named Enoch. With wild red hair and brilliant green eyes, Enoch was a goofy child. “Oh, no,” everybody groaned and the party, “Not another one of those.” Baby Enoch peed and tried to catch it.

  Enoch... was a goofy child.

  Chapter 5

  “Behold, the power of human flight!” Enoch addressed the crowd, who giggled at him. People giggled at Enoch often. Today he was standing on a tree branch covered in feathers, about to leap. The birds giggled at him too. “Now we begin a new era in the history of mankind. Today is the day when we stretch forth our hand and touch the sky.” Enoch beamed and leaned forward. The crowd leaned forward too, not wanting to miss anything. Enoch jumped. Enoch flapped. Enoch made a silly little squeaking noise.

  Thump.

  Enoch groaned.

  “Okay, that was a bad idea,” He whispered while being helped up, laughter in his ears, “Next time, next time.” The next time was a large contraption with a long arm holding a chair on one end and many sand bags on the other. His father Jared tried to talk him out of it to no avail, but at least convinced goofy Enoch to point the thing over the lake. Enoch wasn't worried, he'd kept the feather suit. The big day arrived. Someone invented popcorn. “Three! Two! One!” The crowd chanted in unison. He cut the line and... WHOOSH! The arm flung forward, and down, splashing Enoch face-first into the water. Even the fish giggled at him.

  One day many years later Enoch noticed that sparks from the fire always rise. “Aha!” He said, determined to ride the fire. After sewing together thousands of sheep innards and building his latest masterpiece, he determined this time that nobody would laugh at him. He would try it in secret. Launch day arrived. Enoch bellowed hot air into the skins and they began inflating. It worked! Strapping himself onto the rider's platform, he pumped harder. The balloon lifted overhead. Still he pumped hot air in. The skins creaked. Good enough. He cut the line and... shot into the sky! It worked! “Whee!!!”

  The lake looked tiny. He was going up. He could see water way to the south that he didn't know was there. He was still going up. He saw snow on the ground to the north. Uh-oh, he was still ascending. The world below began to look curved, and he was still rising. “Oh, shit,” Enoch muttered.

  “Almighty,” Archangel Michael bowed to God, “Have you noted this silly son of man? Enoch is determined to fling himself into orbit. He will surely perish.” The Lord said, “Go, save him and bring him hither.”

  “Hi,” Michael greeted a worried-looking Enoch, “What's up?” Michael was standing outside the platform on... nothing. “I. Uh. Huh?” Enoch fumbled. “Never mind. Come on, Orville.” Taking him by the hand, Michael took Enoch to heaven. Angels giggled at him.

  And so it was that Enoch walked with God. All the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.

  Chapter 6

  All the angels in heaven regarded Enoch as their little brother, for he greatly amused them. He was fitted with a pair of wings like everyone else, but couldn't get the hang of it. So it was decided that he be given a desk and some coloring books to occupy himself, which he did by writing the entire history of the world in orange chalk. Enoch was also the first to be renamed by heaven; he became Metatron, meaning “Klutz,” but he thought it meant, “Cool dude who gets to chillax with his feet on the desk.”

  After the introduction of Enoch, some angels began to take notice of mankind down on earth. Well... womankind, to be more exact. “Whoa! Dude, check her out,” Angel Rameel pointed down to the earth at a nubile blond. Jomjael looked, admiring God's handiwork, “Yow! Baby got back!” “Gentlemen,” Semiazaz addressed the small crown of angels, “Let us go down hither and take unto us each a wife from among those fine babes that we also may know the boink-boink.” They all agreed.

  Presenting themselves to the tribes of men, the angels taught mankind the arts; charms, enchantments, cutting of roots and all things helpful in knowledge. In return each offered daughters as wives, whichever the angels should desire. And they did desire. Thus did they marry and boink-boink. And boink-boink. And boink-boink. “Oh. My. God.,” Many women were overheard at the weekly gossip meetings, “Wow.”

  When the days for deliverance were complete, the women brought forth children to their husbands and lo! The infants looked angelic and grew rapidly. They grew very rapidly. They all became giants and began to taunt their fellow men who had but earthly fathers. In the interest of peace and harmony, one of the angelic daddies invented basketball and beer. The giants would run around competing while everyone else watched with a bowl of popcorn and suds. All was fun and games, until they noticed that nobody was working to bring in food.

  Then came the first war – the Food War, and the Giants won. (Of course.) Mankind was subjugated to working the fields growing corn and barley. They cried to God in their distress and their prayers were heard. God decided to blot out the corrupted seed of mankind, for He was sorry concerning the way things turned out.

  A child was born with wild red hair and brilliant green eyes who was only a little bit goofy, Noah. “C'est la vie,” God said, “Close enough.”

  Chapter 7

  Though the name means “Rest,” Noah did anything but. Growing up, he heard t
he stories about his great-grandfather Enoch and how he went to heaven alive. Noah was afraid of heights, so he convinced himself that he could also get to heaven by sailing to the end of the earth. At the age of twelve, he built his first boat and entered a race. He was winning until a giant fish whacked the thing and sank his rig. “Skipper” became his nickname. The fish was Leviathan, or as God calls him, Bubba Joe.

  In his teens, Noah invented surfing and coconut oil. All buffed out and such, he would lay on the beach drawing ship plans and forecasting models in the sand. More often than not, he was surrounded by babes in concentric circles, who in turn were surrounded by critters of all stripes. Noah was a popular dude.

  At the age of forty, he invented the sail. Noah became very rich. He also became the world's most eligible bachelor. All suitors he turned away because he said, “God is about to destroy the world with a flood. Why have children?” “Whatever, Skippy,” Was the most common reply. One day God told Noah it was time for him to marry, that he and his sons would repopulate the world after the flood. Noah married Joan and together they had three sons; Shem, Ham and Japheth.