In the Beginning Read online

  So Abram lay with Hagar and she conceived. (Okay, they didn't “lay” at all. She conceived bent over the coffee table, feather duster still in hand.) When Hagar saw that she was pregnant, she began to tease Sarai that Abram liked her better. Such thoughts did not sit well with Sarai and there ensued an enormous cat fight. Popcorn was brought in and bets were made. Sarai won.

  So it was that Hagar ran away and found a spring in the desert. While there, an angel of the Lord found her and told her to return and that she would have a son named Ishmael, which means, “God hears.” How neat is that?

  Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael.

  Chapter 15

  When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, “No longer will you be called Abram; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations. This is my covenant with you.” “Cool!” Abraham replied. God continued, “Your wife Sarai, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah, for kings of peoples will come from her.” “Cool!” Abraham said again.

  It so happened that Sarah overheard this exchange and when the Lord said that she would have children, she laughed because she was ninety years old. Therefore the Lord said to Abraham, “Your wife will surely bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac.” Now Isaac means, “He laughs.”

  God said further to Abraham, “As for you, you must keep my covenant throughout all your generations and this is the sign that you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised.” Abraham interrupted, “Wait, what?” And the Lord said, “The flesh of your foreskin shall you...” Again Abraham butted in, “Yes, Lord, I got that part. Can't we just shake hands? How about a funny haircut?” The Lord replied, “Haircut? No, but the flesh of your...” “Just a sec,” Abraham held up his index finger and went in to the tent with Sarah.

  Whispering sounds could be heard from within the tent. “What!?” It was Sarah's voice. More whispers. Abraham poked his head out, “Will it still work, my Lord?” “Yes,” the Lord replied. Abraham's head disappeared back into the tent. More whispering. Head poked back out, “Will it be any shorter, my God?” “No,” God answered. Head back in, more whispers.

  Abraham came back out and bowed before God and said, “Thank you my Lord for choosing me from among all the tribes of the earth.” “No problem,” God said, and went up from him.

  On that very day Abraham and all his household were circumcised. “WTF!?” Ishmael said, looking at his own newly sculpted ding-ding.

  Chapter 16

  Two angels arrived at Sodom in order to investigate the reports concerning the evil of the city, for many had complained to heaven saying that the mimes therein deserved an almighty spanking. Near the gate of the city, they met Abraham's nephew Lot, who bowed to them and bid them come to his home for a meal. When he persisted in this request, the angels followed Lot and entered his house. They had but begun the meal when banging was heard on the door. “Oh, man. It's them,” Lot lamented. Opening the door, Lot and the angels saw the crowd of mimes standing outside looking for someone to entertain. They pointed at the angels and made happy faces. Some twirled.

  “They are fools,” Angel One said. Lot replied, “They are always like that, my lord. If you ignore them long enough, they sometimes go away.” They didn't go away. One boldly walked right up to the trio and placed his hands in front of himself. By carefully moving his hands and his body, he appeared to be inside an invisible box. Lot winced. The rest showed themselves to be inside invisible boxes as well.

  “Foolish sons on men,” Angel Two called out, “Speak, for the Lord hath given thee ability thereof.” Some of the mimes placed their hands to their ears in exaggerated gestures, as if they couldn't hear. Other mimes wagged their tongues silently, wide-eyed, fingers outstretched from their faces. “Oh yeah,” Angel One said, “That does it.” Angel One closed his eyes and lifted his arms toward heaven. Thunder crackled.

  “Run for your lives, foolish men!” Angel Two shouted. Lot took the hint and headed for the hills. The mimes made mocking shock faces, wiggling their fingers over their heads. An enormous yellow sphere began to take shape over the city. The mimes seemed to become a bit concerned. Their expressions changed to something like sadness, as if they lost their puppy. A couple imitated tears with their fingers. The ball was getting bigger. Those near the gate began to back away, looking up. More began to notice the ball hanging over their heads and soon it was a mad dash for safety. Not one said a word.

  Abraham was looking down from the cliff to see what all the commotion was about. He saw the yellow ball appear out of nowhere and grow larger. Then he saw the black dots with white faces fleeing the city, arms raised and flailing. Other than the thunder, the silence was eerie. The yellow sphere raised up a bit and shot down into the earth as if thrown from a sling. It made a squishy sound. Protruding from the ground where the city of Sodom had been a moment before was the remaining yellow dome of the destroyer. From above, it appeared to have two dots and a curved line resembling a smiling face.

  And so it was that the city of Sodom was destroyed by the Lord for their iniquity. It is in memory and fear of the event that mimes across the whole world no longer amass themselves into large congregations. It is for this reason also that one can banish a mime by throwing a yellow ping pong ball bearing a smiley face at them. Hallelujah!

  Chapter 17

  Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what He had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him.

  As the child grew and was weaned, Sarah saw Ishmael mocking him and she went to his mother Hagar about the matter. There ensued another monumental cat fight. This time even the two boys joined in with popcorn and hooting. Sarah won, again. Such was the outcome that the two women could no longer live near each other and Hagar took her son to Egypt in a huff. They were much happier there because Hagar really couldn't stand Sarah, plus when Ishmael saw the Egyptian babes his eyes nearly popped out. “Hubba, baby!” He purred. Yeah, Ishmael grew up to be quite the stud muffin.

  Some time later God tested Abraham. Isaac had banged his head on a rock while playing and came home crying. God told Abraham to apply a tourniquet to the boy's neck. Abraham thought that was a terrible idea, but he obeyed God. Isaac didn't even choke and behold, not only was the wound healed but the tourniquet became a toy chicken. Where did that come from? Abraham gave the squeaky bird to his son, who annoyed everyone for years thereafter with it. (Abraham had a thing about chickens because of what happened with both his father and brother. He thought chickens were creepy.)

  Then God said to Abraham, “First of all, don't try that again. It was a one-time deal.” “Yes, my Lord,” Abraham answered. God continued, “Because you have done this thing and have obeyed my voice, I will surely make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky, even more than previously alloted.” “Cool!” Abraham grinned.

  Isaac squeaked the chicken and tried to make it ride the dog.

  Chapter 18

  When Abraham was very old and his son Isaac was grown, he called to his senior servant and gave him a mission. “I want you to swear,” Abraham detailed the charge, “That you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I am living, for they are a bunch of hobags. But rather you will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for him there.” The servant asked, “How will I know which is the right woman for your son?” “Use your wisdom to know this,” Abraham said.

  Then the servant left and set out for the town of Nahor. Along the way, he was wondering how to make the selection and he prayed, “May it be that when I say to a young woman, 'Please let down your jar that I may drink,' and she says,' Drink, and I'll water your camels too.'” – let her be the one fo
r Isaac.

  He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time when women go out do draw water. When the women came out to draw, the servant thought better of his test and picked the woman with the nicest hooters. It was Rebekah. So the servant went with her to her father's house and as the groom-to-be was of their people, all agreed to the marriage.

  Upon returning home, Isaac and Rebekah were well pleased with one another and she conceived twins within her womb. But the boys within her kicked and fought so she inquired of the Lord and He told her that two nations were to be born, and they would not like each other very much. And so it was when the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys. The first came out hairy and red; so they named him Esau, “Hairy.” After this, his brother came out grasping Esau's heel; so they named him Jacob, “He grasps the heel.” Good thing he wasn't touching Esau's butt.

  Now Esau and Jacob were both goofy children. Jacob learned to juggle, he could do twelve at once. Sometimes he would thwack Esau on the head with one of the juggling balls. Esau retaliated by twisting Jacob's nipples. Ah, childhood.

  Chapter 19

  When Esau was forty years old, he married two women from the local tribes, both Hittites. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah. “Hobags,” Isaac said, and wrote Esau out of his will. Jacob, however, obeyed his father's wishes and refrained from the local women. Only women of their tribe would do, plus they had fantastic knockers.

  So Isaac called Jacob and blessed him. Then he commanded him, “Do not marry a Canaanite woman. Go at once to your mother's father at Harran. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother. “Ooh, baby,” Jacob thought, “Kissing cousins.” So Jacob set out on his journey and when it was twilight, he made camp for the night. In his dream, he saw a stairway ascending to heaven, with angels going up and down. From atop the ladder, God spoke to him and told him that he was to be heir to Abraham's blessings. Cool! In the morning, Jacob set up a stone and named the place Bethel which means, “House of God.”

  When he arrived in the land of his uncle, he stopped at a well and schmoozed with the locals. While he was talking with them, a woman approached to draw water and all the men stopped talking to watch her. The chick was fine. She had a gorgeous face, perfect boobs, long legs and a butt that wiggled in such a way as to make all your cares fly away. Bang – that was a nice tush. When Jacob asked the shepherds who that was, they told him she was Laban's daughter Rachel. Jacob fell off the bench.

  Having introduced himself to her, Jacob and Rachel went to Laban's house and he stayed with them for a month. When Laban saw that Jacob helped with the work, he offered to hire him and asked what his wages should be. “I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel,” Jacob offered and everyone agreed, smiles all around. (Laban had an older girl named Leah, but she really wasn't all that. She totally had the hots for Jacob though.)

  When the seven years were complete Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife , that I may go into her.” He was so ready to boink-boink. However, Laban deceived him and veiled Leah at the wedding. In the morning, lo! It was Leah, looking sticky and flushed, but smiling. When Jacob complained, his uncle said that he couldn't marry off the younger daughter before the elder and if Jacob would serve another seven years he could have Rachel as well. Bastard. Jacob agreed only if he could have both girls at once, and so it was.

  Jacob served Laban fourteen years for his two daughters, the second half of which he spent much time boink-boinking his brains out. He was one happy, if exhausted, camper.

  Chapter 20

  Now the Lord saw that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, so He opened her womb and she conceived. Leah gave birth to a son, then another. She was really starting to squirt puppies out like clockwork, but Rachel had as yet no children. Rachel said to Jacob, “Here is my maid Bilhah. Sleep with her that I may build a family through her.” And so the sister Baby Race was on.

  Sure enough, Bilhah had a son. Then she had another. When did Jacob find time to work? Now Leah saw what her sister Rachel had done, so she also took her maid Zilpah and presented her to Jacob. Straight away, Zilpah had a son. Oops! Then another. This guy must ooze pheromones. One look, er... okay, “look,” and the babes got knocked up. Wow. Now then, Leah was getting a bit antsy so she slipped Jacob an aphrodisiac. Yup, out pops another baby boy. Oops! Yup, another.

  Then God remembered Rachel and she had her own son and named him Joseph. That's twelve. Eleven boys and a girl, Dinah. The twelfth son came along later through Rachel but for the moment, Jacob was tired. Whew!

  At the end of the fourteen years, Jacob said to Laban, “Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland.” But Laban did not want him to go because he saw how the Lord was with Jacob how his own fortunes increased with Jacob's management. Therefore they made a deal for another six years service. Jacob's wages would be that livestock under his care which looked a certain way, while all others belonged to Laban. “Agreed,” said Laban. “Let it be as you have said.”

  Now Jacob was crafty. When the animals which were to become his went to drink, he would jump out in front of the females and say in a loud voice, “Blagoogah-blip-blop!” The females would then back away, perhaps thinking they were in the presence of a maniac. Or a poet. Behind the retreating females Jacob had positioned the males of his choice which then came into contact with the females. Thus Jacob's flocks increased greatly while Laban's fared less well, who were probably trying to figure out the “poetry.” At the end of their six-year contract, Jacob didn't bother asking Laban again; he just up and left with all his stuff. Twenty years he had served his uncle. Enough is enough, he thought.

  And so it was, pretty much anything that got within a hundred miles of Jacob ended up pregnant. The dude was just awesome.

  Chapter 21

  On his way home Jacob saw a man fishing in a river, but he thought the fellow was a spy, so he attacked. The guy was strong. Jacob tried the finger-to-the-eyes trick, the fisherman blocked with his hand on his nose. The guy was fast. Jacob tried to hook the dude's nose and he countered with a nipple twist. Ah-ha! Jacob knew about twisted nipples because of his brother. With his teats in a bunch, he swept his leg under the guys feet and down went Mr. Fishy on his butt.

  That was when Jacob saw the wings. Oh-oh, it was an angel. Backing away, he tried to bow down before an emissary of God. The angel must have still been angry, he made a fist and punched Jacob on the hip. “Ow,” Jacob said, “That's it,” and got Mr. Angry Angel in a headlock. After that, no matter what the angel tried, he could not get free. Jacob gave him a nuggie.

  Toward daybreak, the angel said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” The angel asked, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. Then the angel said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome. Good enough?” “Sure,” Jacob answered and let him go. “Putz,” Said the angel, who thumped Jacob on the thigh again then ascended to heaven. “Ow,” Jacob said limping along his resumed journey, “Ow. Ow. Ow.”

  “What's is wrong with you?” Leah asked when he caught up with the caravan. “I slipped,” Jacob answered, “Ow. Ow. Ow.” “Mama, is papa gonna do that all the way home?” Asked one of the boys. Everyone looked at Jacob. “Ow. Ow....” Noticing the attention, Jacob looked up, “What?”

  Now Israel means, “Struggles with God.”

  Chapter 22

  Israel and the whole famdamily settled in the land promised to their clan through Abraham, the land of Canaan and everything was happy snappy. All the boys got along fair enough and one or two even managed to catch a boink-boink here and there. (Judah was quite the ladies' man, is seemed.) Trouble arose when Israel began to show favoritism among them.

  When Joseph grew into a gangly teenager, his father made for him an orna
te coat of many colors, which Joseph wore with great pride. After practicing for weeks, he went out into the field to find his brothers. “Watch this,” Joseph said to his bros, and proceeded with a song and dance routine he'd invented. “Ooh!” He sang, “Eee! Ah,” With a twirl, the show was done. “What the hell was that?” Senior brother Reuben asked. “The Moon Walk. Like it?” Joseph struck a pose. Dan wanted to smack him, Benjamin clapped and Levi invented what came to be known as The Facepalm.

  Many nights later Joseph had a dream. In his dream he was in the greatest kingdom on earth, Egypt and he was on stage. The crowd was cheering him, they all adored him. When Joseph sang, “Eee!” The crowd sang back, “Ahh!” Then he did a little twist and the moon walk. In the morning, he told his brothers about the dream, who stared blankly at him. “Eee!” Joseph said. “Meh,” Simeon replied. Dan wanted to smack him. “Come on, lads. We have work to do,” Judah beckoned, and they all hopped on the wagon heading for the flocks. It was a long ride.